Student loses water bottle

FREDONIA, N.Y. – The SUNY Fredonia campus is home to a population of over 400,000 aluminum water bottles but only one student has the ability to consistently lose it seemingly no matter where he takes it. His struggle has baffled scientists, psychologists, and law enforcement officials alike who have found no possible way that one person could so consistently lose something that he carries around literally everywhere.

Makoto Winkler, a junior music performance major, claims he purchased the water bottle with the goal to, as many vocalists pretentiously say, "maintain his instrument." He had originally made use of the vessel in 2007, during a period of three weeks spent on vocal rest after he saw a person sneeze on television. Since then, he has misplaced the jug twice a week, every week, with the exception of a thirteen day stretch in 2009 where he had not let the canteen out of his sight, convinced it was a transformer and had been fighting crime when he wasn't watching.

"I don't know how it's possible for a single person to use something so much but to lose it so frequently" said Sarah Fredonian, an imaginary psychologist specializing in the pathology of misplaced items. "He just doesn't seem to put any effort into keeping track of it." This statement comes on the tail of a recent incident in which Winkler left his dented decanter on top of a paper towel dispenser for over 13 hours after washing his hands.

"Even more shocking is that every time he loses it, he launches into an accusatory rage," continued Fredonian. "He constantly asserts that it's being withheld, when it's far more likely that somebody found it and put it back in his room somewhere four days ago."

When asked about the recent events, Mr. Winkler immediately went into a blind rage and started viciously biting our interviewer's face. The AP Style manual doesn't say whether or not that constitutes a comment.